Crumbs, Scratchy, how did you do that?
August 30th 2010 07:22
There are three entities in the known universe which stand apart from all others for voracity.
The best-known are black holes, non-sentient beings which just love eating any chunks of the universe which come within reach.
The second of the super-hungry beings in the universe is His Imperial Highness, Lord Zyz Spryxlinkgrot, of the Ffipll race, the former inhabitants of the planet Aggth. I say former because the Ffipll people had to leave the planet of Aggth, which they had happily and uneventfully inhabited for millions of years, because Lord Zyz ate it.
The third member of this elite group of consumers is Scratchy the Greyhound. His elevation to this highest-category of gannetry was formalised over the weekend after Scratchy presented a supreme and unique demonstration of food desperation.
What happened was that my wife decided to clean the toaster, removing six months' worth of crumbs from its nether regions. There are many things you can do with a collection of bread crumbs - my wife decided to throw this lot into the garden.
In a flash, Scratchy followed.
It is not clear how a greyhound who has never, to my knowledge, been fed bread crumbs understood that what went into the garden was edible, but then who am I to question the instincts of one of the universe's most eminent gourmands?
Of course, Scratchy is not allowed in the garden and my wife, who is an excellent and energetic gardener, barked loudly and decisively and Scratchy jumped out of the garden as quickly as he had jumped in.
I hear murmurs of doubt at this point. How is it, some of the less generous amongst you might ask, that such a renowned and voracious eater of anything and everything can be so easily shooed away from food? Well it's simple really: Scratchy is a sweet, obedient and loving soul who understands that Little Boss doesn't have eyes in the back of her head.
So as soon as my wife turned to walk back into the house, Scratchy jumped back into the garden.
Shoo! Turn. Jump. Shoo! Turn ... etcetera.
He didn't, in the end, do much damage to the garden. But if you look carefully at the picture above - really, really carefully - you will notice that there is not one bread crumb anywhere. He found every one of them. I doubt even Lord Zyz could have managed that.
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