Daisy's Diary: The Scratching Seat
May 3rd 2010 07:31
One of our Scratching Seats, seen through the walls of the noisy water machine space
Hooman beings are slow creatures with poor eyesight and a non-existent sense of smell. They don't bark or whine and they smell funny because they don't lick themselves frequently enough. Worst of all, they have dry noses.
They invented dog food, it is true, but this is a poor substitute for fresh gazelle from the bone, caught after the thrill of a chase through ancient grassland and forests with unpolluted breezes under clear skies and ... but I digress.
Hooman beings have invented just three truly useful things: the plastic bucket, which thoroughly beats a gazelle pee-tainted puddle for drinking out of; cushions, which are the greatest luxuy in the known universe; and the Scratching Seat.
In our home, there are two Scratching Seats, both in a corner of the Hooman Little Rooms.
In these strange rooms, Hoomans have noisy water machines under which they stand to get wet. In this disgracefully wasteful way, they change their smell from Awful to Soapful. They'd smell so much better, and use a lot less water, if they learned to lick.
The Scratching Seat is the saving grace of the Little Rooms. What happens is this: the Hoomans, feeling an urge to be cuddle a Dog, sit down on the seat. The Dogs then run up for an ear scratch. The seats are well-designed - just the right height for a greyhound ear scratch.
Our Hoomans, unfortunately, don't know how to use the Scratching Seats all that well. Big Boss gives a quick scratch and then insists on reading the newspaper. Little Boss says, "No, no, no, out, out, out," but then laughs and gives a quick scratch anyway.
There's a trick to optimising the benefits of the Scratching Seat. You need to be a little pushy.
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Comment by heidiclyde
I am flabbergasted at how well you have your Hoomans trained, we aren't allowed into the little room when a hooman is in it. We aren't really allowed into it at all because some of the foster hounds confuse the scratching seat with the plastic bucket.
Clyde and some of the foster hounds like to lie in the noisy water machine room on hot days but I prefer to lie in the kitchen so the Missus has to walk around me. It is odd isn't it how Hoomans like to stand and get soapy under the machine's water but cover themselves up when proper water falls from the sky? Me, I avoid any falling water. It is nasty wet stuff and spoils my good looks.
I do think Daisy you forgot one useful invention, what about those heated dog mats? One of those and a cushion, now that would be real luxury!
with licks,
Heidi.
Comment by Chris Champion
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Thank you. It's gratifying to have one's powers of persuasion and influence recognised.
As for the heated cushion, I have never had the privilege of trying one. I think they should be mandatory. We need three really - two for Scratchy as he's so big.
But Big Boss seems to think that being allowed inside and on the sofas is sufficient.
Should we report him the to RSPCA for cruelty?
Wags,
Daisy
Comment by heidiclyde
The Missus says to tell you the RSPCA is much too busy with dogs suffering from being turned into toys and trinkets by over indulgent owners to worry about our lack of heated mats.
Your very sad friend,
Heidi.
Comment by Chris Champion
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The Big Boss says to tell you to tell your Missus that she has a point.
By which I assume that chances of getting a heated cushion just got even remoter.
Licks,
Daisy
Comment by heidiclyde
I've decided to work on the sympathy angle. Clyde is getting old, Clyde suffers from poor health, Clyde needs to keep warm in Winter to prevent him from suffering from worse health. Once the Missus gives in and buys him his heated rug I can commandeer it because Clyde doesn't actually want a heated rug. Do you think that would work? You could perhaps point out that Scratchy will be prone to Arthritis in his broken leg and a heated cushion will ease the pain for him. I'm sure you could persuade the big doofus to get off his mat for you whenever the Bosses are out.
good luck,
Heidi.
Comment by Chris Champion
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I may have a broken leg but I can still tap my paw with impatience. If I get a heated cushion, no-one and no thing, except maybe some of the fleshier kinds of bones, will share it with me. So leave off.
S
PS What's arthritis?
Comment by heidiclyde
Geeze ther sheilas uv bin rattlin yer cage whilst we've bin aht uv ut! Rat bags! Ut's real crook when yer not feelin too clever an they get stuck inter yer init?
Ow's yer leg anyways? Me new boots uv cum, ther Missus thought they were gunna go belly up cos I got sores on me ankles frum them an they give me ther pip but terdie she has er bonza idea an usks ther Vets fer sum uv ther soft bandage they put on under ther real bandage when me foot were bandaged up.
She wraps ut around me ankles then puts ther boots on, yer bloody ripper, theyr'e bang on!
Me ankles are comfy an me feet dunt hurt an I'm gallopin arahnd like er 2 year old.
Now all ther Missus has ter do us work aht how ter keep them on me feet, they come off when I tries ter act ther goat. We're off ter Leigh Creek agen on sundy, Ut's gunna be bonza walkin arahnd ther town in me nemw boots.
Catch ya later,
Clyde.