Dog dialogue - Greyhound Zoom

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Daisy: Every time we go to the dog park and you play chase the ball with Little Boss, you get a mouth full of grass.

Larry: Oh, the sublime thrill of the chase, and the balletic grace with which I execute it.

Daisy: It makes you wonder how often they mow the grass. Looks like every five minutes, given the amount your slobber-coated ball collects and transfers to your tongue.

Larry: I think I spotted an eagle this morning, hovering on high, be-thermalled, watching in awe as I streaked after the ball, swooped and gathered …

Daisy: It looks ridiculous.

Larry: Me chasing a ball looks ridiculous? Now just a minute …

Daisy: No, your tongue looks ridiculous, covered in grass.

Larry: Tongue? Grass?

Daisy: Have you heard one word of what I’ve been saying?

Larry: Somewhere there is a ball-chasing Hall of Fame. My name’s probably come up in early-candidacy discussions.

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Greyhound, Dog dialogue

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Trouble in Arkansas

April 1st 2011 01:47

Daisy: Where's Arkansas?

Scratchy: I don't know. On the other side of the railway track?

Daisy: No, goofball, it's a long way away.

Scratchy: Past the dog park?

Daisy: Way further than that, you worm-filled weimaraner. I reckon it's actually on the other side of Melbourne.

Scratchy: Worm-filled weimaraner? Anyway, why do you ask?

Daisy: Because it said on the news that all the dogs and cats in a town called Greenwood in Arkansas have been put in pens and are allowed out only if they are muzzled and on a lead.

Scratchy: The town's full of racing greyhounds?

Daisy: No, it's full of rabid skunks.

Scratchy: I'm not following you.

Daisy: What else is new? Six skunks caught recently in the town were all carrying rabies. Authorities have ordered all skunks be shot on sight, and all other animals kept quarantined unless, as I said, muzzled and on a lead.

Scratchy: I'd like to see a muzzled cat on a lead. What's a skunk, anyway? Is it edible?

Daisy: Normally, no, not even you would want to eat a skunk. In this particular case, doubly no.

Scratchy: Big Boss once said I'd eat a black hole if you sprinkled some salt on it - which is wrong, by the way, because I wouldn't need salt. So aren't you underestimating my world-renowned ability to eat anything?

Daisy: Let me tell you a little about rabies, Scratchy. It is a virus that lives in the saliva of host animals, which it attacks via the brain and spinal cord. The consequences are convulsions, choking, frothing at the mouth, paralysis and, quite often, death.

Scratchy: Oh. Maybe not, then. I’m glad Arkansas is on the other side of Melbourne. How long ‘til dinner?

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Greyhound, Dog dialogue, News

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Upsidedowndogs

March 20th 2011 03:17

Daisy: Scratchy, why are you standing behind me?
Scratchy: I thought this might be a food queue.

...oOo...

Daisy: There is a web page called upsidedowndogs.com.

Scratchy: Ridiculous.

Daisy: I love your open-minded, embracing, objective attitude to life Scratchy.

Scratchy: Huh?

Daisy: The web site contains a lot of pictures of dogs asleep on their backs.

Scratchy: What’s the point of that?

Daisy: Dogs can look funny when they sleep on their backs. Their lips fall away exposing their teeth, making them look like they are growling. Or laughing. It can be humorous. The web site turns the pictures upside down, so the dogs are the right way up, if you see what I mean, to make them look even funnier.

Scratchy: Stupid.

Daisy: What is stupid about it, you larval lump of lassitude?

Scratchy: Lar what? Anyway, it’s stupid because I don’t believe dogs look funny when they sleep on their backs. I’m sure I don’t, anyway.

Okay, maybe a little bit funny.

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Greyhound, Dog dialogue

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An unusual turn of speed

January 24th 2011 09:41

Listen, I think I can hear an organic cow.

DAISY: Can you believe the story that woman told on Saturday morning? I still can’t stop laughing.

SCRATCHY: What woman?

DAISY: The one at the bread and baked stuff stall.

SCRATCHY: What bread and baked stuff stall?

DIASY: The one where Little Boss bought the pizza base.

SCRATCHY: Pizza base?

DAISY: Scratchy, do you have tapeworms for brains? Don’t you ever notice anything? One of the stalls at the fresh-produce market we walked through on Saturday had fresh bread and other baked stuff being sold by a woman with white hair and a gentle smile.

SCRATCHY: There was more than one stall at the market on Saturday morning?

DAISY: Of course there were … wait, organic beef.

SCRATCHY: Hmm?

DAISY: There was a stand selling organic beef in various cuts, plus fresh mince and prepared patties, and they had lots of pictures of their stuff. That’s what you were looking at. That’s all you saw, wasn’t it?

SCRATCHY: Hmm?

DAISY: I thought so. So you completely missed the lovely lady’s story about the greyhound who did a U-turn at the start of the race.

SCRATCHY: What? Nobody does a U-turn at the start of a race, Daisy. Believe me, I’ve been there and I know. Far be it from me to point out your lack of, um, first-hand experience in this matter, but you’ll just have to accept the word of someone older and wiser than you.

DAISY: You are extraordinary, Scratchy.

SCRATCHY: Thank you, Daisy. But why do you say that?

DAISY: Because after more than six years of life, you have finally made a speech containing more than two sentences the main theme of which was not food. Pity that it was such garbage.

SCRATCHY: Garbage?

DAISY: Shut up and learn something. The woman at the market told a story about a greyhound who was trained on a farm in the old way, by chasing live hares.

SCRATCHY: That’s illegal.

DAISY: It is, but this was many years ago, and it was not uncommon. So the trainer of this greyhound had gone to the trouble of rigging up a fair copy of a starting stall, and he put the dog in the stall, and then he released the gate a second after releasing a live hare.

SCRATCHY: Are live hares as fast as mechanical ones?

DAISY: Good heavens, a reasonably relevant question. No, Scratchy, they are not, but they have a big advantage over mechanical hares. They can, being alive and all, dodge and dart and turn.

SCRATCHY: That’s hardly fair!

DAISY: Oh shut up. The dog, according to the lovely lady’s story, came out of the starting gate and saw the hare and, of course, took off after it. The hare saw the dog and took off too, but in an unexpected direction. It darted around and past the dog, in a U-turn, and disappeared behind the starting gate assembly.

SCRATCHY: That’s a funny thing to do.

DAISY: Not half as funny as the greyhound’s first start a few days later in a real race. The gates opened and all the dogs ran off in a straight line except one dog who did an instant U-turn, ran behind the starting gates and started sniffing everywhere for a hare.

SCRATCHY: I can’t wait until we go to that market again. That organic beef stall is the stuff of dreams.

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Greyhound, Dog dialogue

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They’re home

January 11th 2011 22:01

I bet I can get off this sofa faster than you can take a picture.

DAISY: I thought you were going to break down the door.

SCRATCHY: They’re home! They’re home!

DAISY: They would have been a lot less happy to see us if they’d unlocked the front door and found you’d put your head through the fly-wire door.

SCRATCHY: They’re home! After 13 days without food, they’re back!

DAISY: Is Exaggeratish your native tongue? We were looked after very well, and fed perfectly adequately, by Nadine, Elaine and Amy.

SCRATCHY: They all tried to starve me. Not one of them gave me more than half a jug of kibble in the evening and half a slice of toast in the morning.

DAISY: What’s wrong with that?

SCRATCHY: What’s wrong with it? Try malnourishment. Try cruelty to a dumb – err, hungry – animal. Thank heavens the Bosses are home and I can get decent meals again.

DAISY: Scratchy, Nadine, Elaine and Amy fed you exactly what Little Boss wrote on the list. It’s what you always get. The Bosses aren’t going to feed you any more than you were getting while they were away.

SCRATCHY: Really?

DAISY: Really.

SCRATCHY: Is that list still on the kitchen bench?

DAISY: Yes.

SCRATCHY: Quick, let’s grab it and hide it. I know, I could eat it. Then maybe the Bosses will forget and give me more food.

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Greyhound, Dog dialogue

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I now pronounce you man and dog

December 3rd 2010 02:20

Of course I wish cousin Honey every happiness, but I have to admit that having a human in the family makes me uncomfortable.

Daisy: A man in Toowoomba, Queensland, has married his dog.

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Breeds, Greyhound, Labrador, Dog News, Dog dialogue, News, Pet issues

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Wet dog smell

November 26th 2010 21:36

Daisy: It's steady, but hardly a rain which should prevent walkies.
Scratchy: I can think of other ways to stink the house out.

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Breeds, Greyhound, Dog dialogue

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Dog dialogue: Precautionary strategy

November 20th 2010 07:12

Scratchy: Did you see that? Did you SEE that!

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Breeds, Greyhound, Dog dialogue

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Mop Press: New Clyde found

November 5th 2010 01:58

Daisy: They are stealing our ideas, if not our thunder, in Hollywood.

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Greyhound, Dog News, Dog dialogue

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Dog dialogue: No joke

October 21st 2010 22:52

Did you hear the one about ...

Daisy: A dog joke has been named the second-funniest joke in the world

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Shih tzu, Dog dialogue, News

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Teacher's pet

September 22nd 2010 03:33

Paula the Labrador helps out in the classroom at Leopoldschule, Karlsruhe, Germany.

DOG NEWS: Presented by Daisy and Scratchy
There is an interesting news item today about a program in Germany where they are using dogs as teaching aids in schools with special needs kids. They had a sweet picture of a Labrador looking at an exercise book, and a witty heading about wagging school

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Posted By: Chris Champion - Category: Labrador, Dog News, Dog dialogue, News

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