Off to the chariot races
December 20th 2009 12:01
This not only spooked the horses, it played havoc with the betting odds.
As a result, the Greek Chariot Racing Association instructed its Betting Supervisory Committee to do something. A copy of the memo has survived and can be seen in the Museum of Chariot Racing in Thessalonika. The document is notable for the first-ever appearance of a Greek compound noun which means "skinny dog which runs bloody fast".
The committee contacted the Vice-Chancellor of the University of Constantinople who, after being offered access to a corporate box for a whole chariot racing season, instructed the science department to look into the problem of disruptive greyhounds.
That's how they discovered the NDLNS gene. NDLNS stand for "no dog lead, no sense".
The discovery was reported to the Betting Supervisory Committee which, at next meeting (in a room behind the newly constructed athletes village for the 752 BC Olympics) carried a unanimous motion that, "The Constantinople University's Science Department be offered warm and heartfelt thanks for this important scientific breakthrough."
A small addendum to the memo read, "PS, what is a 'dog lead'?"
It was a good question because the dog lead had yet to be discovered and the scientists didn't know what it was either. "Hey, we just found a gene and gave it a name," they said. So the committee ordered pizzas and beer and had a long talk and finally understood the problem. As a consequence, they invented the dog lead.
To this day, it remains, according to many experts, the single most useful thing ever accomplished by a committee.
And it remains the only way of preventing greyhounds disrupting everything from chariot races to the free flow of traffic on modern roads. I know, because when Scratchy got out the front gate last week, at least four cars had to brake quickly before I caught him when he stopped to piss on a light pole.
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Comment by Anonymous
Anyways - Ha ha very very funny, Chris. Pharaoh hounds have that gene too. I suspect the two breeds share ancestors in common. Schnauzers certainly do not have the gene. You gotta love the free spirit of these sight hounds!
Comment by Chris Champion
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Thank you, and great to hear from you. What is the issue with orble? Is it resolvable?
Comment by Heidi/Clyde
We wait fer ever ter hear frum yu an yer goes an dus er drongo thing like thut! Wher'd yer park yer brains yer dill? Yer er proper ning nong no doubt abaht ut!
Roads is poison, keep off them unless yer've got the Boss with yer. Up here ther semis go past like er bat outa hell. Yer'd better not cum visutin' till yer've leart sum sense.
Yer'd uv scared ther pants off me if I wore 'em!
Yer mate Clyde.
Comment by Chris Champion
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They're straight and smooth. What else could roads be for but running on? You mean we shouldn't run on them? Is that why the Big Boss goes red in the face when I get out? I thought it was just the fun of chasing me.
S
Comment by Heidi/Clyde
Yer've just proved yer never got ter even look at a runnin' track! Tracks is sand so's yer c'n dig yer toes in an push yerself forward not hard an smooth an made ter hurt. Tracks is white not black an tracks has trainers an catchers tellin yer ter run yer best an givin' yer rewards wen yer dus not plurry great trucks thunderin dahn ut yer.
Yer as silly as a two bob watch ef yer thinks yer c'n run on a road. I tells yer what, Heidi ses you an me dun have enough sense ter cum in aht uv ther rain, yer does somethin as daft as thut agen an I reckons I'll agree with her abaht you, yer actin' like yer a tim tam short uv er packet!
Clyde.
Comment by Chris Champion
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Oh, okay. Thanks for the advice, I s'pose. But, you know, as much as I might appreciate it, and as much as I might agree with it, next time I see that gate open I doubt I'll be able to help myself. Rush of blood and red haze and joie de wotsit and all that.
As for tim tams, you got that wrong. If I get to them, the expression would be "a packet short of a tim tam".
Licks and sniffs,
Scratch
Comment by Heidi/Clyde
There seems to be a problem with your training. The Missus says there are two parts to training hounds, the first bit is the easy bit, that's training the hounds themselves. At our place every foster hound knows within a week that a firm "STOP" with a flat palm in front of her face means "do not go through this gate/door/ute gate until the Missus says you can" you could try teaching that to Scratchy (our hounds also learn that they have to wait to eat their food until they are told they can, do you want to know how to do that?). The Missus says the much harder bit is teaching the humans to do their bit right. Every human who comes into our place has to shut our gate firmly or they get into trouble, she says they don't have to beware of the dogs but they really have to beware of the Missus if they go and let her foster hounds out. Clyde and I know not to go out most of the time and we never, never go on the road. It's murder out there.
Perhaps you should put a sign on your gate, Clyde says it should read "Shut the flamin' gate ya mug! Ferget it an' yer the dog's dinner!" A little coarse it seems to me but it gets the message across without implying that it is actually you not the hounds that will get angry.
Clyde's tough Occer image is in trouble again. Like the Missus he detests the taste of Chocolate, even the carob variety that is safe for us dogs to eat. He is actually very fussy about his food, he went in a steeplechase at the GAP Christmas party and he was coming first till he had to eat a sausage. It took him about 30 seconds to sniff it all over to make sure it was all right before he ate it with slow relish so he ended up 4th. Silly old fool. He apologises for not realising Scratchy would like chocolate (A packet of Tim Tams would kill you though so go easy on them Scratchy) he suggests Scratchy might be a brick short of a load instead. He is rather shocked to find Scratchy doesn't understand about his beloved track.
Please apologise to Scratchy for Clyde's rather rough turn of phrase, he was extremely frightened though at the thought of his mate Scratchy dodging vehicles.
With warm best wishes and a round of teeth chatters,
your friend Heidi.