The shaggy dog stories 1
December 8th 2010 11:02
Uh oh
When they finally got planning permission and built the Milky Way Shaggy Dog Raconteur Hall of Fame (on a small planet near the Dog Star), the first Legend inducted into the hall was Earth resident and Zoomies contributing writer Jennie Alcorn. “Alcorn has the biggest collection of shaggy dog stories this side of Canis Major,” said the Hall’s managing director, Shaaag Piiile.
It is with great pleasure that we announce that Jennie Alcorn has agreed to adapt some of her shaggy dog stories to a Zoomies theme and present them to readers.
. . . o O o . . .
By JENNIE ALCORN
Those of you who know Chris may know he has a hobby other than that of writing his blogs. He is an enthusiastic campanologist – he rings church bells.
Bell ringing is an art, and quite a tricky one at that. The eight huge bells of a full change hang on a great beam and they turn almost through a full circle as the bell ringers pull the bell ropes, giving us the wonderful tones of a full change. The trick is to know when to let go of the sally (which marks where the ringer must catch the rope while ringing) and when to grasp and pull it again, otherwise the weight of the bell will lift the ringer off his feet, swinging him dangerously around the bell tower.
It happened that Chris’s group of campanologists was in need of a replacement ringer, and it was his job to find someone. He advertised in the local papers but had little response until an English Mastiff walked into his office one day carrying a picture of a church bell.
Chris was a little startled but up to the challenge. “Are you interested in the bell ringing job?” he inquired.
The Mastiff nodded its head enthusiastically. Doubtfully Chris said, “I’m not sure that you would be suitable …” The Mastiff turned over the bell picture and Chris found himself staring at a copy of his advertisement. There it was in black and white, “We are an equal opportunities group.” Sighing, he said, “Okay, we’ll give you a try. But I have a funny feeling this is not going to work.”
Together Chris and the Mastiff drove over to St Patrick’s Cathedral and Chris led the Mastiff up the long winding staircase of the bell tower to the bell ringer’s platform. Together they gazed up the thick, colourful bell ropes, or sallys, to the shadowy heights where the bells hung in silent majesty.
Chris asked the Mastiff, “Now are you sure about this?” Once again the dog nodded his head enthusiastically and began pushing a chair under the nearest sally. As he climbed onto the chair Chris gave him clear instructions then stepped back to see how he would manage.
The Mastiff stood on his hind legs and grabbed the bell rope in his mouth. He pulled down and the bell began to swing. Another few pulls and he had the motion just right. Up went the bell, down … and around the other way. The chair fell over and the Mastiff forgot to let go of the rope. Up he swung and outwards, right through the open window of the bell tower.
And that was when he remembered to let go.
Horrified, Chris gazed down at the shattered body on the pavement below him. Quickly he ran down the long winding staircase, but by the time he got outside quite a crowd had gathered. A policewoman was trying to make sense of the incident as people gave their version of the event. “It just fell out of the sky,” one said. “It’s them terrorists. They’re shooting dogs at us,” said another. “It must have been a sudden storm, you know raining cats and dogs, but over so soon we only got one dog,” said a third.
Embarrassed, Chris approached the policewoman. “I think I might be able to help,” he said.
“Oh, do you know this dog then?” asked the policewoman.
“Not really,” said Chris, “but his face rings a bell.”
Boom boom
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