The gourmand
July 1st 2008 00:03
Waddya mean chew? Teeth are for smiling
The difference between a gourmet and a gourmand is sometimes confused. The definition of a gourmet is: a connoisseur of good food. The definition of a gourmand is: Scratchy.
Scratchy would eat concrete if you added salt. Scratchy will stand on the other side of the kitchen island bench (the nearest he is allowed to get) and watch the entire evening meal preparation process, including the five hours of marination. Scratchy will spend a morning in front of the bookshelf sniffing the cookery books.
According to the Scratchy school of eating etiquette, chewing is for wimps. Food should be eaten by opening the oral cavity wide and then, using a combination of tongue and a strong sucking action, ingest food as fast as possible, pausing only to swallow to make room for more.
An unfortunate side effect of this approach is choking as food is cleared from blocked throat, windpipe and both nostrils. But, hey, only wimps worry about little problems like that.
All this results in rather noisy meal times. When he eats, we hear the Scratchy Symphony, a modern work featuring all natural sounds: slurp, suck, snort, cough, gasp, sneeze, gulp ... and repeat. Fortissimo.
It's a major performance, and even Daisy pauses in her dainty eating habits to watch. I know what she's thinking: oink, oink.
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